I have some big news here, so I recorded a short message about it that you should hear.

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Uh, no comment. No description. Just play the file.

There is copyrighted music in here, so I’m reserving all rights.

How to listen:

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How to listen:

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TUCSON, AZ — In the midst of snow falling upon the University of Arizona last Sunday afternoon and evening, administrators have temporarily banned snowball fights in an attempt to prevent the perpetuation of double standards and discrimination.

Said one unnamed official, “We currently ban tortilla-throwing at commencement ceremonies for a good reason; we don’t want to offend Hispanics. It’s only fair that we ban snowball fights for fear of offending Eskimos. Not only that, but it seems clear that the male gender has an apparent advantage in such activities. Restoring such activity to campus will require some way of evening the playing field.”

Meanwhile, campus peace activists are now investigating a possible instance of genocide, after about fifty homeless inhabitants of the campus were reported missing, each leaving their garments in a large pool of water in the very spot where they were last seen.

Music is “Frosty the Snowman” by Bing Crosby. If you didn’t know that after listening to it, you need to get out more often. This episode is licensed “All Rights Reserved” because I don’t feel like having the RIAA breathing down my neck over a Christmas song.

Reposted due to a server change.  I’m having to use university servers right now because I can’t use Archive.org when using copyrighted music and sound effects.  Please me know if you’d be willing to host a couple of mp3’s for me. Originally posted on September 8th, 2006.

We’re making more fun of Facebook on the podcast today.  Yes, I am a Law and Order fan.

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Reposted due to a server change.  I’m having to use university servers right now because I can’t use Archive.org when using copyrighted music and sound effects.  Please me know if you’d be willing to host a couple of mp3’s for me.  Originally posted on September 6th, 2006.

Facebook!  It’s where everybody knows your name!  And you know everybody else’s name, et cetera!

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Update: I just figured out how to isolate the feed to the podcasts only.  You may want to update the feed address to make sure iTunes can see both current episodes.

Update II: I’m submitting this to various blog carnivals including but not limited to Showcase Carnival.

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Residents of the Blenman-Elm Neighborhood just east of the University Medical Center here in Tucson are learning to “look before they sit” according to a recent Arizona Daily Star article, as small, white rats have been swimming their way into residents’ toilet bowls.

While rumor indicates that the rats are actually laboratory animals from the University of Arizona, the university denies that these are laboratory rats, noting that they are the same type that pet stores sell as food for snakes.

Public works officials admit that the problem may never be completely solved. Citing ethics and privacy concerns, they nonetheless immediately declined an offer from the university’s department of herpetology to release a family of camera-carrying snakes (see comment #9) into the sewer system to screen the sewers for any remaining rats.

Meanwhile, an unnamed member of the university’s chapter of Students for the Ethical Treatment of Animals denied accusations that a team of highly-trained special forces students released the rats from UMC, utilizing the sewer system to extract the hostages.

Despite UMC’s strict lab-rat monitoring procedures, a spokesman did state that they would pay a little more attention to the rats. Said the spokesman, “We don’t this coming up and biting us in the [expletive].”

Music is "Had a Plan, Had to Change It" by Derek K. Miller of Penmachine.

THIS PODCAST EPISODE IS NOT SAFE FOR CHILDREN. 

Update (7 Dec): Archive.org, the server where I host the podcasts, appears to be having problems at the moment.

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WorldNetDaily columnist Jim Rutz declared in a controversial column recently that overconsumption of soy products causes males to become homosexuals, citing soy’s relatively-high estrogen content.

“Soy is feminizing,” Rutz claims “and commonly leads to a decrease in the size of the penis, sexual confusion, and homosexuality. That’s why most of the medical…blame for today’s rise in homosexuality must fall upon the rise of soy formula and other soy products.”

WorldNetDaily editor-in-chief Joseph Farah, amidst massive hate mail from leftist websites, immediately defended Rutz, and called for women to be banned from eating beef, pork, poultry, beans, and dairy, for fear that increased testosterone levels might make them homosexuals, too.

Officials at the University of Arizona complimented the study, and are planning to increase the availability of soy in on-campus food in order to facilitate an increase in diversity. In contrast, Jerry Falwell’s Liberty University has banned tofu, calling it “The Curd of Tinky Winky.”

This news report is brought to you by the Law Offices of Bob Schmuck. Did your mother feed you soy as a infant? Are you sexually confused? Recent medical research has found that your sexual confusion is not your fault, and you may be able to sue for damages. For a free consultation, call the Law Offices of Bob Schmuck at 1-800-SOY-MILK.

Editorial note: I still affirm that homosexuality is a sin just like any other sexual sin, but that doesn’t stop me from thinking Jim Rutz is stupid.

Music is "Stop Yield Go Merge (Extended Les Thorn Mix)" from Derek K. Miller of Penmachine. 

BAGHDAD — Amidst celebratory gunfire all over Shiite and Kurdish areas of Iraq over the execution of former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein, doubts are being raised over the actual veracity of the execution, the most notable of which is coming from Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf, Saddam’s former information minister.  Speaking on Tucson’s favorite television show, Amy Goodman’s "Democracy Now!", al-Sahhaf declared "Saddam and his followers are fighting valiantly against the American infidels before the gallows as we speak.  He is sending them to God, who will roast their stomachs in hell.  Bush’s international gang of colonial bastards is being pushed into the swamp as we speak."

Rep. Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) in turn called for an immediate Congressional investigation into further allegations that Saddam would be inhumanely cut into quarters and sent to the four corners of Mecca.

TUCSON, AZ — Amid the cheer of the season of the holiday we don’t speak of, the annual capitalistic boom of the month of December is allegedly having a negative impact upon the intellectual property rights of America’s universities. The first legal implication is now official, as the University of Arizona today filed suit against Santa Claus for copyright infringement and violation of the Establishment Clause after Mr. Claus allegedly gave an Arizona Wildcats sweatshirt, made in his own factory, as a gift to multiple children without asking permission of the university, paying the appropriate licensing fees, or removing any actual or perceived religious context.

University of Arizona President Robert N. Shelton commented that the religious context of such a gift presented a “clear and present danger to the mission of the university.” “It should be obviously clear why we don’t have regular classes during the Winter Solstice,” Dr. Shelton stated. “The religious context of being in school at such a time is too much for us to handle. We won’t tolerate it.”

The comment puzzled professors in the Astronomy department, who noted that Winter Session classes actually did take place during Winter Solstice, which actually occurred three days before the holiday we don’t speak of.

Arizona State University President Michael Crow tells the Growler that he does not expect to follow suit with Dr. Shelton, noting that inserting mention of the Devil into such a holiday “cancels things out.”

I return back to Scott Ott inspired satirical news with a podcast concerning the Tunnel of Oppression, an annual event here at the UA which seeks to "to challenge peoples’ ideas and perceptions of issues dealing with oppression."  I suspect that it may become politically charged as a result of having Proposition 107 on the ballot this year.

As such, the podcast is chock full of racial epithets, so make sure you keep the volume down (or use headphones) if you work at a liberal educational institution.  That won’t tend to muffle your laughter, though.  You’re on your own there.

Explanations of most slurs and epithets are available here, here, and here. 

Background music is Meltdown Man by Derek K. Miller of Penmachine.  Licensing is under Creative Commons Attribution 2.5.

How to listen:

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After the collapse of the Alliance of Free Blogs, I am glad to have been found by the Cactus Alliance, a growing collective of some of Arizona’s most interesting conservative and pro-life blogs.  Yes, I am stealing some of Austin Bay’s language there.

Now that we’ve won the blog war against Glenn Reynolds and the Axis of Naughty, I suggest blog war against an even more dangerous foe: Jim Pederson.  Imagine: we can lie about how Jim Pederson sticks cute puppies in blenders and drinks them, thereby causing him to lose his far-left, pro-animal rights voter base, guaranteeing a win for Jon Kyl.

The narrative could go something like this:

Hey, everyone! It’s Garrett. I hope you’re having a good week, but I have to tell you about this horrible thing I found out. See, I ran into Jim Pederson today and he was drinking what looked like some sort of smoothie. So I asked him, "Hey, Jim Pederson, what are you drinking?"

And he said, "It’s my special energy drink to keep me fit and my intellect sharp."

"Wow," I responded, "How do you make it?"

"I put a puppy in a blender!" Jim Pederson laughed and then took an extra long sip.

"You can’t put a puppy in a blender!" I said in complete horror.

"I can do whatever I want! I’m Jim Pederson!"

"You monster!"

He took another drink. "Mmmm… puppy. And, the cuter the puppy, the better the energy drink. Muh ha ha ha ha!" He then ran off, drinking his puppy.

Okay, so I stole the whole thing from IMAO.  Perhaps we could come up with some other filthy lie and go with that?  It’s not like Pederson isn’t lying through his teeth himself, right?

What do you think?