University bans snowball fights over sensitivity concerns
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TUCSON, AZ — In the midst of snow falling upon the University of Arizona last Sunday afternoon and evening, administrators have temporarily banned snowball fights in an attempt to prevent the perpetuation of double standards and discrimination.
Said one unnamed official, “We currently ban tortilla-throwing at commencement ceremonies for a good reason; we don’t want to offend Hispanics. It’s only fair that we ban snowball fights for fear of offending Eskimos. Not only that, but it seems clear that the male gender has an apparent advantage in such activities. Restoring such activity to campus will require some way of evening the playing field.”
Meanwhile, campus peace activists are now investigating a possible instance of genocide, after about fifty homeless inhabitants of the campus were reported missing, each leaving their garments in a large pool of water in the very spot where they were last seen.
Music is “Frosty the Snowman” by Bing Crosby. If you didn’t know that after listening to it, you need to get out more often. This episode is licensed “All Rights Reserved” because I don’t feel like having the RIAA breathing down my neck over a Christmas song.
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